There’s a Buddhist saying that is often quoted to encourage
people to take up the practice of meditation: “Don’t just do something, sit there!” And I believe, in most cases, when you’re
feeling sad or scared or any difficult feeling, the Buddhist advice to “lean
in” to that feeling rather than trying to distract yourself or run away from
it is very sound.
But, there are instances when people are feeling stuck,
scared and depressed, that I would give the opposite advice: Don’t just sit there, do something!” Because depression, among other things,
can feel like a kind of paralysis, a hopeless stuckedness, and inaction when
you’re in this state leads to negative predictions (“Nothing will ever get
better.”) Then, of course,
negative predictions lead to more inaction, and on and on….
As an example, Annette’s (not her real name) job as an
executive assistant, which she had held for 10 years, was eliminated because of
corporate restructuring.
Though she had consistently superb evaluations, the company made no
effort to find another position for her.
“Basically they gave me a minimal amount of severance, and showed me the
door!”
Initially Annette was in shock. It was difficult to believe that people for whom she has
worked so hard for so long could have treated her so shabbily. After the shock wore off a bit, she
began to do the typical job-hunting things—posted her resume on the appropriate
sites and requested alerts when an appropriate job listing came up.
After months of no responses, she fell into a panicked
depression. It was hard to fall
asleep at night, and when she did finally fall asleep there were
nightmares. Then it would be hard
to wake up in the morning. It was
also hard to focus and hard to get anything done: “When I wake up in the morning, I just want to turn over and
pull the covers over my head. I
feel like a reject of society!”
Annette started to feel paralyzed and hopeless.
In therapy we worked out a strategy based on “just one step”
every single day. Annette agreed
to take one new action every single day, whether she felt like it or not—to
contact one new person or write to one new company. We agreed that she should go beyond the traditional online
resources, because they had yielded so little. She ultimately came up with a plan to contact companies that
were of interest to her—who were not advertising anywhere—by writing an old
fashioned letter and sending it by snail mail.
Though the voices in her head kept telling her it was useless
to do all this, she kept it up. After
a couple of weeks her tenacity paid off.
She received an email from an HR person in a company she had always
wanted to work for. When Annette
called this person back, they made a warm connection on the phone, and she
advised Annette to get in touch with a small agency that the company uses to
fill their staffing needs.
Feeling “guardedly optimistic” Annette contacted this agency,
using the above person’s name, and they immediately invited her in for an
interview. As Annette put it,
“Though I couldn’t see it for sure, I could begin to imagine that there just
might be a light at the end of this dark tunnel!”
The interview exceeded Annette’s hopes: “We clicked from the very
beginning. I felt comfortable,
like I could be myself. Jeff (the
interviewer) made me feel for the first time in ages like I had something to
offer. He actually said, ‘You’re just the kind of person we’ve
been looking for.’ “
Within a week, Annette was placed in a highly visible temp
position in a company where the atmosphere was relaxed and informal—a perfect
match for her style. She started
to develop relationships with a number of her colleagues, and it looks like
she’s well on her way to a good job in a company she respects and admires.
There are a couple of important takeaways from Annette’s
story:
- Though it may be difficult to find your motivation, take action!
- Particularly if you’re job hunting, it’s important to go beyond the typical online resources. Research companies that you find interesting and write a well crafted letter to a specific individual.
- As negative predictions show up (and they will!), release them, reminding yourself that most negative thoughts are inaccurate—based on the past, not the future.
- Don’t isolate when you’re feeling down. Though you may feel so inclined, it’s the last thing you need to do.
The bottom line is this: feeling stuck is just a feeling. And as Buddhist psychology teaches us, all feelings (and all situations) are impermanent. So it’s okay to feel all of that, to lean into the sadness and discouragement that are part of it for a while. But then, you’ve got to take action—just one step, today, this very moment, to begin to move out of the stuck feeling of the present toward a future that’s filled with rich, as yet unimagined possibilities.
Portia Franklin is a New York City based psychotherapist with more than 20 years of experience helping people move beyond depression, anxiety, trauma and relationship issues to find more satisfying and fulfilling lives.
She has also produced award winning documentaries on psychological subjects for National Public Radio. Check out her web site: www.integrativepsychotherapy-nyc.com
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